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Contributing Writer: Gabi



This picture on the We're Okay insta is one of my favorite pictures because it did good numbers on instagram, my body looks amazing and I look like I’m living my absolute best life. That’s the thing about instagram though, you post when you look your best and when you’re succeeding in life. That’s what instagram is all about, looking Happy. What instagram and most of my friends and family don’t know is how utterly depressed I was when I took this picture. I just graduated from Queens College in May 2019 with a bachelors degree in Psychology. Our whole lives from Pre-School until graduation day we have a core part of our identity...we are students. Once I was no longer a student I felt fucking lost to be honest. I had a degree in Psychology, 3 years worth of retail experience, and no motivation to go back to school. For every single Internship or entry level position you need at LEAST 1 year of relevant work experience. I had 0 years of relevant work experience so after applying to literally 100 internships I got maybe 20 responses, which consisted of “Sorry, we have decided to move forward with another candidate.” To say I felt ashamed of myself is an understatement. I was 22 with a whole degree working as an Associate at Hollister all summer...it was just as it sounds...fucking depressing. If you don’t have a job after graduating you question your worth. From such a young age, you’re taught that you are special and destined for greatness, but after Graduation you realize that you were just a little kid fantasizing and the Real World isn’t like that. After coming to this realization, I felt so useless and like a disappointment to my family.


Have y’all ever watched Euphoria? There’s one episode titled The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Pee While Depressed, and that basically sums up my summer. I can’t tell you how many days passed where I just sat on my couch too lazy to even grab the remote to turn on the tv, to get up and feed myself, to shower, or to even pee. I would just sit on my phone scrolling through instagram and twitter, and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me and why I couldn’t get up and just do something. It was an awful cycle of self-loathing. There were a lot of days where I had suicidal thoughts, I never wanted to actually kill myself but there were so many days where I just wanted to go to bed and never wake up. I felt like a burden to my friends and my family and I really started to hate myself. I would sit at home just talking horribly about myself, and those negative thoughts and feelings manifested and sustained my Post-Grad Depression.


If my close friends and family are reading this they’re probably shocked because every time anyone sees me out, I’m a good time with or without alcohol. I love dancing, I love laughing, and I love being with the people I love. I’m typically the ‘happy’ or ‘funny’ friend. I’m the one people turn to for advice, I’m the shoulder a lot of people lean on, I’m always there for a good laugh so how can anything ever be wrong with me if I’m the one making everyone laugh? It’s honestly really easy for me to hide my pain and put on a smile and a strong front and deal with it on my own. I felt so weak being depressed but I felt event weaker saying how depressed I was, especially because of the front I put on for the world. I hated myself all summer and I didn’t want to be honest with my friends and family because I didn’t want to be honest with myself. I did get better because I finally landed my first big girl job working for a Publicist as a Public Relations Assistant.




Sarcasm, Humor and denial are my primary defense mechanisms, admitting to how depressed I have been in the past is really difficult for me. So this is me opening up another chapter of my life by being completely honest about my self-loathing and depression. I don’t want the world to only see the good parts, because I am not only made up of good parts. Sometimes life is fucking hard, and it’s okay for you to struggle and it’s okay not to be okay. It can be really hard to love yourself, but the important thing is to never stop trying because even if you don’t get the job, and all you hear is rejection after rejection, that doesn’t determine your worth or value. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. So just keep loving yourself.

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