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Contributing Writer: Anda



2020, is the first year I will be entering since 2015, entirely on my own. For four years, I was emotionally abused, bullied, mistreated, and torn apart time and time again all at the hands of someone that I thought I couldn’t live without. Being without him meant there was no me. Being without him meant I couldn’t go on with my life. I had to be with him to grow, I needed a future with him. I had to make sure he was on track with his school work. I had to do his school work. I had to cook for him, clean his room, and be there for every emotional problem he had. And then when he no longer needed me or had no use for me, he threw me aside like garbage and came back a month or two later when he would need me again. For four years in a row, my heart was played with and he covered his reasoning with “love.” “I do this because I love you, i track you because i love you, i don’t let you hang out with your friends because i love you, I argue with you about guys looking at you because I love you, I come back to you because I love you, please take me back because I love you, my love is the only love you will ever get because you are unloveable and no other person would go through this for you, no other man would put up with you but I do because I love you.” These are just a few of the things I would hear on a day to day basis. In April of 2019, i realized that all these excuses meant that there was something wrong with him, not me. It wasn’t that he didn’t know my worth, he knew it very clearly and he knew that HE wouldn’t be able to find someone like me and he used that to his selfish advantage. I was tired of the emotional trauma. My “normal” life was something that no one would imagine living through. My “normal” arguments were extreme arguments. My life was falling apart and it wasn’t getting better. After being torn apart for four years, I finally decided, enough was enough. I left on my own terms in my own way. And it has been the best decision of my life. Some may see it as selfish, but those who see it that way never knew the density of his grasp on me. The hardest part of this journey has got to be finding peace in the silence that I once had such chaos in. Finding things to do to take up my time instead of investing in another man. Step by step I am getting to be the woman I always wanted to be and all it took was standing my ground and realizing that my self worth is to never be destroyed by another being, let alone the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. This next chapter of my life will consist of me graduating and finding myself in my career, in my friendships, and in my family. Love will find me when it needs to but I won’t be waiting on it and I definitely won’t be dwelling on the past. This is my way of getting my story out there for other girls to realize they are not alone and this behavior is psychotic as well as letting my past go and realizing that life is too short and our future is what we make of it. Whatever you do and wherever you go in life, just make sure you get there with a smile on your face❤️

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