July 31, 2019: When there is a sign

July 31, 2019

There are a million and one things that constantly grab our attention every day. Those things can be but are surely not limited to our phones, computers, social media, our significant others, friends and even family.  Despite what we tell ourselves were addicted. We are addicts to the lives of others; the amount of times we check our phones and compare ourselves to the person looking happy on other side invalidates our outlook on ourselves. One of the things we forget when we become addicted to this fantasy is the positive attention, we need to put on ourselves. For some this may sound like some weird conspiracy theory that you’ve heard so many times but don’t want to believe, but for others you might think well hey you’re right maybe I should focus some time on myself, but where do I even begin?  Well hold your horses I’m not saying to drop everything you’ve ever known; drop all the people you’ve ever cared about or throw your phone out the window; because we all know all of those things are not realistic. If they are for you well then go for it, throw that phone out the window, GO YOU! For everyone else though I know what you’re feeling, and that feeling is stuck. Stuck in a place where you need to take care of others or put on that fake smile every day to hide the fact that you can’t take care of yourself. 

Despite what everyone’s ever told you, sometimes being stuck is not the worst thing in the world. Hey yeah for a hot minute it might be, but it only shows that you’re working through something and that’s TOTALLY OKAY. I’ve definitely been stuck in a mindset where I think the things, I go through are not worth it or it might be stupid. It actually happens to me a lot. 

       Before the summer started, I was stuck in a terrible mindset. I hated everything, period. It’s such a sad thing to say, saying it now.  I hated the way I looked, the people I hung out with (sorry guys I love you but I was in a really bad space), I hated that I didn’t know where my life was heading, I constantly thought to myself was this it have I peeked?! This reoccurring thought repeated over and over in my head before I left for camp. Most of the time I was doing this because I thought the lives of others were better than mine, the were happy, loved as where I felt lonely and lost.

       When I left, I told myself whatever I felt at the time I needed to let it go I couldn’t go into this for three weeks in a bad mood. It wasn’t easy to do but I did it. It’s also not healthy to do because subconsciously it affected me. Somedays weren’t as easy as other but I smiled through it. I felt during that period like it was a cleansing of sorts. I was not attached to my phone; I was focusing on other things, but I was also learning as a leader. I learned sometimes you must not take everything for so seriously. I learned other people’s opinion of you is their opinion and everyone is allowed to have that, regardless of how you might feel that is their valid opinion, you cannot always change everyone’s mind.  However, this does not validate them being mean to you, criticism is different from hateful comments.

Sometimes my responses to certain situations weren’t always happy and shiny (remember I’m human not a robot) But I feel like was more upset at myself then I should have been. We’re not perfect, we all go through something most of the time. Although there were many times where I faced personal challenges within myself, I was genuinely happy at camp. I met great people, worked with great kids and had the time of my life. Those memories I will keep with me forever.

When I came home, I had no idea what to do with myself.  After three weeks of working constantly, I was exhausted. For those of you that think being a camp counselor is easy think again try it out and get back to me. One of the biggest things on my mind when I came back was where would these two weeks of free time would go before I had go to Washington for my internship. I definitely think that this free time has given me a chance to think on how I want to work on myself.  But I didn’t get to this conclusion all on my own, it was from talking to my friends and reading this one book that made me feel like I wasn’t the only one going through something. The book called me about a month before I went to camp, but I wasn’t ready to buy it due to multiple reasons. One of those reasons is I’m in college and money can be tight sometimes. But regardless, on the cover of the book it read “Stop believing the lies about who you are, so you can become who you are meant to be.”  Interesting! But I soon forgot about it when I went away. It just happened to be chance that I would buy it and I am one that believes in fate whole heartedly. The reality  of it was that my sister went to the store to buy two books for me that day and while she facetimed me that book that I had forgotten about was there and I thought why the hell not give it a try, what’s the worst that can happen?

        Let me tell you Rachel Hollis’s “Girl wash your face” is a must read. No this isn’t a book review I promise. But in order to understand how much it helped me is beyond words can ever describe. In the book she illustrates how every single lie we’ve told ourselves can be overcome by the way we shift our perception. For many of you that may sound like a repetitive statement made by your mother but listen its true and for right now its working. AHHHHHH. 

Anyway, after reading her book, journaling, and getting into the swing of things again, I decided to do something on my to do list. One of my goals was to start running again. With running it has always been something I have put off. Ever since the end of high school, I was not consistent with it anymore, too tired or I would tell myself that “ I had no time for it”. I remember at some point I could run 3 miles no problem, now I would probably get winded walking up stairs.( That’s not healthy but go off sis.)

        Anyway, I put on my sneakers put in my headphones and was out the door. At my upstate house I have enough land which I can run laps around. Around 6:30pm its pretty grassy and its cool enough to run and not wet enough to fall, because  if I wanted to do a morning run I would have to watch out for the morning dew. The sky was orange and beautiful and my current favorite song was on ‘Tough love’ by Avicci. I began to run. About .70 miles into my run, the same song continued to play which was fine but one of the most amazing things that happened was when it started to rain. The sky was still orange, but it was raining, not pouring but it was a nice rain For some reason something came over me, I was happy and even excited. In that moment I felt freed. For some reason I had the urge to look up. I looked up at the sky and from that moment I knew whoever was looking down upon me was saying it was going to be okay. Everything I had gone through was for a reason and that finally I was realizing that myself too. This was one of my favorite moments from this summer. 

        And from this sign I want to leave you at this, everything will be okay. And Im not just saying it to say it. I mean it honestly. Take it one day at a time you will be happy again because you will make yourself happy again. Never forget you and only you make the decisions about your life. Stop comparing it to someone else’s, find things that make you, you. And that my friend is how you will be built up again from where you were.