It’s really difficult to not be in a relationship, but maybe it’s for the better. I was in one for two and a half years, but I chose to leave it because it just didn’t feel right anymore. People change. I definitely changed because I learned that I didn’t need that ONE person to maintain my happiness, especially if this person didn’t need me to maintain his happiness. I was unhappy underneath it all, but I feared loneliness the most. So, I stayed longer than I should’ve. But still, I realized that when I was with him, in his presence, I was happy because he was happy. I cared about him so much. I put him before myself every second of the day.
When I decided to leave him, I automatically turned to another guy. I guess you could call him my rebound. He was different than my first love. He was rebellious, care-free, and wild. Danger was written across his forehead but I ignored all the red flags because I was living for this new feeling. He made me feel alive when I felt his weight above me. The pain that he inflicted during our hook-ups was extremely exhilarating and I quite honestly could not get enough. I took great measures to conceal the dark marks he left on my neck. Unfortunately, as a hopeless romantic, I grew feelings for him and he could sense this. That’s when everything went downhill. I wasn’t “good enough” for him and he never failed to remind me. I wanted to walk away from him and never look at him again, but something inside of me kept telling me to stay. My mind kept convincing me that I could change his mind. The only thing was that he couldn’t do this when he was sober.
Drink after drink, he moved closer and closer to me. As he fell into his drunken state, his hands would travel all over my body. I still remember the night when we first kissed, he demanded me to pour him a drink, and I craved his dominance. As stupid as this sounds, the feeling he brought to me was like no other. It was so exhilarating. I was willing to pursue a relationship with him. Those late-night talks in his room at two in the morning stood close to my heart. I would sit on his bed and he would pace around the room, ranting. He was just so vulnerable and angry at everything. That’s when he continued to crack open a beer, chug it, then chuck the can at the wall. He then proceeded to open another one. His room was scattered with empty Budweiser cans. I was so concerned for his well-being and I was willing to do anything to help him, despite the evil words he said to me.
After giving him my body, he proceeded to say that I wasn’t good enough for him. He needed me to be “skinnier” and “have more manners.” 99% of me hated his fucking guts. I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. But, of course, for some odd reason, that 1% of my heart craved his body and still wanted to help him more than I already did. The only reason I didn’t stay is because after everything I did to help him, he treated me like I was worthless and gave me an attitude. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I participated in a fashion show and a part of me was ecstatic to be in his presence. After the show is when he completely ignored me to go talk to another group of girls. This really bothered me. I went downstairs with one of my sisters and after watching him act like an angel with this other group of girls (not to mention this is how he acted with me when I first met him), I cried. I sat down and I put my head on the silver table of the Student Union and just cried. I couldn’t believe someone could disrespect me like he did. He made me feel horrible about myself and this is when I finally decided to remove him from my life.
I’m still confused as to why God would place such an obstacle in my path, but as I always say, everything happens for a reason. This person taught me many lessons. He taught me not to settle for people that do not appreciate you. He taught me that other people’s opinions of you do not matter. I don’t care that he thought I wasn’t skinny enough. I REALLY don’t care that he thought I didn’t have manners because of where I grew up, and also because I am Puerto Rican. He showed me that he is extremely insecure, and belittling others is his way of bringing his sad, lonely self up. I am proud of who I am and people like him will never get in my way again.
Lexi, I promise to keep you safe and to keep your heart happy. I will never let you go through such a heartbreak again. You are strong and beautiful. Who cares what he says? Lexi, all we can do is pray for his well-being and hope that he finds someone who is perfect for him. I wish nothing but happiness and peace upon his body and soul. Lexi, we won’t make bad decisions like this again, but never forget what these bad decisions taught you. Everything happens for a reason.
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