If You Knew This About Me, You Might See Me Differently

January 10, 2019:

"I woke up on January 1, 2019 in a pool of vomit containing bits of greens, fried chicken, and Sauvignon Blanc. I’m done feeling badly for myself. So what’s up? Let’s talk.
I began to realize that I was profoundly alone. Don’t get me wrong, I was not alone in the sense that I didn’t have anyone I can turn to. I have a very loving family, one who’s always there for me and particularly supportive sister who I can call with any trouble or stress I have and know that I’ll get some type of immediate validation. The type of aloneness said I was feeling stems from my own unhappiness, and the realization that I’d never in my budding adult life been content with being by myself. I was always with someone in someway doing something that made me feel more fulfilled than I would have if I were by myself .
I’ve been meaning to write a book on a myriad of topics ranging from but not limited to the black experience in excess of the white neighborhoods, childhood, and more. I was looking for something profound to share with the world. But the truth is the hardest thing that I’ve done to date was growing up. And so I’ve decided to share with you a few lessons that I’ve learned so far".

A few days later, I wrote my first blog post on We’re Okay.

It's going on 5 months since I first posted on We're Okay. If you've been reading from the beginning of my journey with Kate, you know that the majority of my posts have been about my journey working through grief and brokenness after a failed relationship and transitioning into a woman with a strong sense of self. But what about the other aspects of my life which have been a subject of growth? I've touched on my struggle with school, and on my difficulty with identifying a solid direction in which my life is going. But name a 21 year old who has figured that out yet. Of course there's more to explore. Until now, I did not know how to approach this particular topic. I decided there wasn't any one perfect day to be honest with myself and others. So here we are.

I have struggled with alcohol consumption in the past. I am not an alcoholic, however, drinking, especially in times of chaos has been a problem for me, and I am not proud of it. Yikes. Let's go even deeper:

The first time I had to step back and watch my drinking was at a frat formal. About a year ago, I got dressed up and went to a function. Before going though, my partner and I had a really bad fight. I cried, he yelled, it was a mess. But we went nonetheless. In the car on the way there, he turned to me and said, "I want you to know I am mad, but I love you, and I'm sorry. Promise me you'll work with me on getting to a place where we need to be. I want forever with you". I said yes. But I did not forgive him. The tension was still there. When we got to formal, the night went horribly. We spent it exclusively with other friends, and  drinking, drinking, and more drinking took place. I drank WAY too much, trying to mask all of the feelings I was processing about him and our situation. He wasn't nearly as messed up. When I saw him at the end of the night, I was bitter, even belligerent. It was a mess. 

The next few days were rough. He felt hurt in a myriad of justifiable ways. I also felt hurt, but had to realize that I did not identify the ways in which I was hurting in a healthy way. Any type of self control I had went out the window when I drank in the presence of a problem with him. The next few months I stopped drinking completely, but even that became a talking point in our relationship. At first he was grateful, but when we went out with friends, he became annoyed that I would deny drinks, or not be on the same level of "lit" as everyone else. He doubted whether or not I was capable of having fun without alcohol. And I do not think I was. Every time I didn't drink, it was a reminder that I had made the choice not to drink for him, and not for myself.

I wrestled with the fact that I had never, ever had a bad experience with alcohol that had been influenced by another person, except him. I also wrestled with the fact that I became angry and belligerent without alcohol with him as well. The common thread here was not the alcohol, it was us. We were toxic for each other. The alcohol was just the icing on the cake. 

Over the next few months I started drinking again, being careful to not drink excessively around him. The close of the year was fine, and then we broke up.

We broke up. 

A few weeks later it was NYE. I was at home, here in Washington, where I am now, and he was out at some rave in NY. I missed him. We had started dating two years prior. NYE two years ago played in my head over and over. Even that night was shitty. We fought then too. But this NYE was my first alone in years, and I was sad. I had so much fun with my cousin, Mom, and Dad. Then they all went to bed, and I was alone. It was about 2am, and I was by myself, confused and lonely. And I made the choice to drink myself to sleep. And that brings us to the opening of this post, covered in vomit.

Takeways? Alcohol is not a crutch. It can be if you let it, but doing so does not allow you to make the best choices for yourself or to process those emotions which you need to so desperately confront. I have been told told to not pair myself with people who bring me to the place of anger or resentment that I felt with my ex, because it's not indicative of me. And yes, I agree that we should only surround our selves with people who bring out the best in us. However, I think the problem is bigger than that. I've realized that alcohol has no place in my life when I am pervasively not feeling well. If I'm stressed, anxious, or apprehensive about ANYTHING, it's not healthy for me to drink. I drink socially now, rarely at home or by myself, and especially if I'm not in a healthy place to do so. 

Now, I am more mindful of myself, my body, and my feelings. I did not stop drinking cold turkey because I do not want to. I love a good beer. But I do decipher so much better when I should and should not drink. 

Additionally, I do not smoke weed anymore. I used to, but I don't gain pleasure from it, and I would rather do something I enjoy than just partake in it just because it's there. My body is a temple. Taking care of it means being mindful of what I am consuming, when and why. As a sorority girl, so much of greek life culture can be around doing something to get a high. It's literally seen as cute to get fucked up-- not so fucked up you can't walk but enough to where you're enjoying yourself. But I don't want to drink shitty Bud Light if I don't want to. I want to drink and enjoy the drink, and more importantly enjoy the people around me.

 I've made the decision to stop going to frat and sorority parties altogether because more often than not, I am not having as much fun as I would be having else where. I want to focus on those relationship which grow me and move me. Moreover, I know know that I do not NEED to drink to have fun. I can laugh with any of my good friends in the absence of a drink and have the time of my life, which is a reflection on how incredible they are as humans.  

I am SO nervous to post this one, because it highlights one of my weaknesses in a way which I have never pursued before. It literally shows me at one of my lowest points. However, I feel like I have to. In the interest of growing as a person and helping others going through something similar, I want to be honest. I'm not here to please people, only to be authentic in the hopes of enlightening someone else's perspective. And I'll have a (metaphorical) drink to that. 

Cheers,

Constance