It’s been a minute.
The last two weeks have been the most transformative experience I’ve had in the past few months. I wrote this post on a plane home from a girls trip to Hawaii. The trip was SO restorative and more peaceful that I could’ve ever imagined. My best friend Poppy, one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met helped me through a series of emotions, emotions which had been causing me to be anxious and confused. The most pervasive feeling I had been feeling for weeks now was brokenness, and it wasn’t until I talked with her that I could identify it’s presence in my life.
Let me tell you what I revealed to Poppy:
In the months following my split, I had this intense desire to do EVERYTHING I wanted to— going on spontaneous trips, partying, pushing the limit with my clothing choices, splurging on whatever I wanted, going on dates, meeting new friends, and so much more. I hadn’t done those things in two years and I felt like it was time to live a little. But somewhere in between doing all of those things and healing from the break up, I lost myself in a few different ways. I was growing, but not in all the ways that I could have.
What I didn’t realize was that when my engagement ended, I had no idea who I was. My identity was inexplicably linked to the future I had planned with my ex. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know what came next. I was so depleted of the exuberance and joy which is so stereotypically me. I had no desire to love or be loved by anyone. I just wanted to be left alone, and I wanted to have fun. The perspective I gained in February and ever since has been invaluable:
SHIT, the past two years were rough. I was so focused on school and my relationship with my ex that so many of my choices were not for myself but for us, or him. What ultimately happened was I began to party, Wed-Sun sometimes, living one blurry day into the next. I had a ton of fun with my girlfriends, but loneliness and a conscious awareness that I had lost purpose would take control of me when the night was over. I had to confront the emotions I had been shoving aside, but I was afraid.
I stopped going to the gym, and my days became comprised of doing absolutely nothing, and then maybe or maybe not going to class. Motivation and determination are two of the qualities I find admirable in a person, and I had neither. In keeping, I was not motivated in any way shape or form to finish my Master’s degree. I started the degree to provide a better life for my ex and I one day, and with the dissolution of ‘us’ and with all of the feelings which accompanied the close of a major chapter in my life, I grew bitter and even angry that I was taking 18 credits in a subject that I had lost so much passion for and didn’t start for myself.
Moreover, I stopped talking to God and developed such a cynical view of the world and His will in my life. My attitude became, “whatever happens happens”, and I literally just went with the flow. I stopped listening to my heart, and decided it would be easier to be angry with God for my circumstances. Essentially, I stopped taking care of myself and failed to realize that putting myself first in my own life was so much more comprehensive than doing what I wanted and relinquishing myself of responsibilities I no longer wanted part in.
When I left for Hawaii, I didn’t know what was bothering me so much about my own life, but I knew it was time for a change and that I was broken, in serious need of spiritual, emotional and physical repair. I called Poppy one day. I told her everything. Honesty was the first step. I told her about the litany of bad choices I had been making and how sad I was that I hadn’t grown more in the last few months. I had made huge strides towards being the best version of me, but I was still empty inside. I wanted to know how to move forward. What she told me was priceless:
I am loved! I am beautiful and strong beyond belief! God has so many great plans for my life, and I need to give absolutely everything to Him: my apprehension about what comes next, my hopes, my fears, EVERYTHING. I am resilient. I’ve bounced back from so much and can do anything I put my mind to. I’ve inspired others, and keep doing so by infecting people with love and a contagious smile. We are all wells, full of love, light, joy, wonder... and my well has been depleted. I’m broken and I need to pour back into myself, and love who I am intrinsically, through and through. But, everyday God fills me a little bit more, and changes me immensely beyond comprehension. I need to forgive myself. One day, I’ll be completely full again and ready to give myself fully to those around me. I’m going to be okay. She’s proud of me, and she’s always here for me. We will thrive!
Writing that out in the present progressive tense or even saying it, is so hard. But it’s so important. I need to believe that it’s all true. And today more than ever, I do! I believe that God has a purpose and a plan for my life beyond measure, and I’m SO excited! So, in the mean time, I’m addressing that brokenness so I can be ready to accept and enjoy God’s greatest blessings when the time’s right, and there are so many of them!
This is what the process looks like for me:
• Relinquishing control: What I’ve been doing has not been working out, but He knows what I cannot see. I’m trusting blindly in Him to do great things!
•Loving and being loved by those closest to me: I spent the last week so aware and keen of how much I loved a few of my favorite people. It felt amazing. And I’m more whole than ever because of it.
•Being patient: Rome wasn’t built in a day. Everything I hope for will not come to fruition, but the right things will.
•Taking care of myself physically, too: Your body is a temple and it will love you if you love it. Taking a shower everyday is basic hygiene, not a panacea for fixing your physical state. I’m going to keep active and eat right, and NOT kill my liver everyday (post on my choice to reassess drinking completely to come soon!)
•Putting myself first, even before others: This one is tricky. I love helping others, but recently have noticed that I’ve prioritized other’s well being over my own. That doesn’t help anyone, and especially not myself. There’s a balance that needs to be achieved. I’ve asked myself “what do you truly want to do Constance?” The list is so long. Why can’t I do those things? No one is stopping me!
•Praying: prayer has become one of my favorite things to do in the last few weeks. I forgot how important it was to talk with God about everything, confusion, triumphs, all of it!
•Forgiveness: I need to forgive myself for making the wrong decisions, and for not always being the best version of me. I need to remind myself that I am not perfect and it’s okay to mess up. More importantly though, I need to forgive others. Hate is such a nasty emotion, and it will eat away at you if you let it. I pray for those who I don’t want in my life, even if it hurts. I want them to enjoy God’s blessings too. In doing so, I’m freed from resentment and happier.
•Reigniting my passions: I took a hiatus from We’re Okay, because truthfully, I wasn’t okay. I stopped planing events because how could I conceivably lift someone else up and not address my own problems? But then I reminded myself that I believe that I was called to untie and to help women! This feels so right! And I love Urban Affairs. I’ve been in the process of reclaiming my degree for myself. I’m one step closer to helping others and I’m moving forward. THAT FEELS SO GOOD!!
If you feel stuck, I’m with you sis. We all get in ruts. But you can get out! As my Pastor says back at home, you’re just in the space between, a pause between chapters. But this time is not your story. Your story is nowhere near completion! And you can experience joy, love, passion, and purpose in so many beautiful ways. Keep pushing, and know that just like I needed to hear Poppy remind me of my worth, we all do. If you want to talk about your own struggles or need a hype woman to remind you of how incredible you are, I’m here.
consirhos@gmail.com
I’m so proud of you, and you’re worth more than GOLD.
xo always,
Constance
P.S.
Kate and I have decided to open the platform up to more incredible writers who want to help others thrive by talking throw our struggles and encouraging each other for better! If you’re interested, shoot us a quick message. We’ve got a few wonderful women lined up already, and I hope you love them as much as we do!
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