HATE

Hate. 

I have struggled often with the word in the last decade or so of my life:

I remember being 11 years old and encountering hate in my heart for the first time. Even then, I did not like it. I saw it as a consuming, angry passion that drove you to say and do things that you might mean, but ultimately probably should not have acted upon. I still see hate that way. As an Urban Studies major in college, I recognized hate as the impetus or underlying foundation for many of the upsetting social issues I studied and would never, ever like to understand. I adamantly stand against any forms of hate and bigotry which seek to hurt people as a means of attempting to lessen another's position in the world. Hate is divisive and destructive in more ways than one.

There are many forms of hate, as there are love. I think about people who have been hurt by others in the vilest of ways -- mothers and fathers whose children were taken by negligent individuals, women and men who were taken advantage of by others in despicable ways. Hell, some people hate foods, like liver or tapioca. All of their hates seem perfectly logical and justified. So when is it okay to hate and when is it not? Morally, it feels wrong to even ask such a question. Never is the answer, I think.

Only recently have I confronted the possibility of me hating someone or something else in my own life as an option. And I'm not proud of it.

I think hate my ex. I cannot comprehend any other reason why his face, his texts, his calls make me anxious, frustrated, upset, and then seething mad in that exact order. I cannot and have no desire to speak to him. It messes up my whole day to do so. Hate is divisive and destructive in more ways than one, but what if I want to divide us and put every degree of separation possible between the two of us? What if I want to destroy the memories, and put it all behind me?

I take no joy in the idea of embarrassing or exposing my ex for the asshole he is, was, and has always been. So I won't. But, that does not negate the reoccurring feelings of resentment which surface when I entertain both good and bad thoughts of the people we were together. What I do want to do is speak candidly about what I'm experiencing.

My heart is heavy. 

It was light and carefree a month ago when I did not hear from him much. But speaking to my ex over the last month so frequently has made it clear that I have a lot of unresolved feelings to work through. So this is where I am:

I definitely, most definitely hate my ex. But I don't want that hate to consume me, and I don't want that hate to make me a different person. I am a sweet, caring and compassionate individual with a loving spirit! I don't WANT to hate him. I want him to be happy. I want him to find love again. I want him to enjoy the many pleasures of life. I want him to be okay. When I remind myself of these things, the hate and anger in my heart diminish slowly, bit by bit.

I get lonely at times, and I often crave affection. I have at times resorted to talking to other exs or old, intimate friends as a means of having a distraction or of just feeling close to someone while I figure out what it is I really want. I've moved on physically. But, I think I'm done with men altogether for a sec. I don't know how long that will take, but I've come to the conclusion that, men, penises? They complicate things. I want ZERO complications!

I know that right now I want to be self-reliant, strong. I want to be happy alone, in the quiet moments of the day when no one is looking. I want to be able to assure myself that I'll be okay, no matter what, that I'll be able to handle most of what is thrown my way. I know that in some instances I'll need to ask for help and that I'll need to rely on my family and friends when times get hard, but life is good right now. Life is simple. I have shitty days, but the world (my world) keeps turning. 

2019 was the most depressing start to a year I've had yet. My engagement ended in an abrupt, seemingly unimaginable way, my college career was ending without employment options, and I was transitioning into living on my own, something I had not truly done after two years of waking up next to the same person. Yet, I am resolute to turn this year around. In fact, I already have! I have gone out and spent so much time with my girlfriends! I've traveled to new places. I'm living my BEST life. That doesn't mean I don't hurt some days, but I'm finding new and healthy ways of doing that. 

Last night, I went to a bar. My ex was there. An acquaintance of my ex and me approached me, inquiring about the downfall of our relationship. She asked me if we were still together and pretended to not know that we were not, but of course, she did. Everyone knows. Neither one of us has been secretive about it and in college greek life, the circle in which we met her, rumors spread like wildfires. Her question made me so uncomfortable at first, mostly because I felt like she was trying to learn the grisly details of all of our pain and suffering in a very trite and nosy way. But then, I leaned in a little, explaining to her that things just did not work out. I tried to embrace the conversation, and hold my head high as if to say, "YES. You can get engaged to someone, and then break up in a matter of days, and be OKAY" without saying so many words. That was harder than it sounds, but just as I do here, I want to practice telling my truth in my everyday life, no matter how difficult.

Reconciling the best and worst parts of myself has been a challenge, but I've been pruning the bad things and people from my life so as to finally achieve real contentment, a sense of spiritual and physical preservation that no one can take from you.

Today, I challenge you to let go of your anger and hate in any way you can. Block him or her, see him or her less, go to the gym and sweat it out, focus on doing one act of kindness every day! Whatever it takes for you to be okay, do it. If the person you struggle with is a normally occurring part of your life, develop a sense of self-assuredness in yourself. Independent of that person, you're still a badass. In fact, you're probably more of a badass than you were when you were with them, because you have let go of the negative, and you have embraced your true authentic self. Apologize for your mistakes, but never for your choices, not if they are right for you. Let love replace those damaged parts of you you wish you could get back but have not had the strength or energy to repair yourself. Stay mindfully and healthy, always.

Cheers,

Constance