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January 14th, 2019


Rough, and raw emotions filled through my head. Things that I put aside because I tried to brush off all my of my feelings to seem happy and I wasn't. January 14th was the day where I felt so sad and alone, where even the main title of this blog didn't make me feel anything. For a while, I was struggling but to be content. But for some reason, I could not be even then. Everything was going wrong: school, my social life, and I could not stop questioning myself.  I was making myself believe that I wasn't worth anything, I was struggling to find myself. I started to push myself away from people, I didn't want to go out,  and I didn't want to respond to anything. I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping because I was over analyzing everything.

These questions filled my head: Why was I not okay? Why was everything going wrong? Why was I continuously thinking that no one cared? Why was I so sad? Why didn't I look the same way I did in high school? Why was nobody interested in me? Why was I always second guessing myself?

All of these questions were eating me up inside, and I realized that I WAS NOT okay.

The following will look into how I tried to change my outlook on life and the feelings that hindered my soul. I'm not saying I'm perfect; that I have been magically cured and I'm happy all the time, but I am growing, evolving and self medicating through a change of heart. 

So my first step: I decided at around 11:00pm on January 14th to write down all my feelings.

All I can say is when I wrote them I was visibly in a bad place.  I was blaming myself and others for how I was feeling.

For about a solid week and a half, I continued to write about my day. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

I saw a drastic change in myself. I was no longer holding things in and saying that I was fine; I was finally saying that I'm not perfect, but I was content with that.

Second step: I tried to pin point everything in my life that wasn't making me happy. This was hard very hard I wanted to find the root of my pain. One of the problems was that Ive always believed that I had to please everyone around me, I wanted people to like me and I wanted to make others happy.

Third step: I tried to find solutions to those problems and that solution was to stop worrying and start living.

I started to to do small things first! Every morning I wake up and look at motivational quotes. One of the best one's I found looks went like this, “Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in right now.” -Unknown". From this quote, I was told to stop waiting around to make myself happy. I needed to choose to be happy. I started eating better. I stopped making small problems get to me. I confronted my problems instead of brushing them off. I started calling my friends (my close friends) and telling them how I felt. I started getting closer to my family. I started going out and living my life without judgement.


So my advice: Love yourself first. Stop putting blame on yourself. Don't compare yourself to anyone to make yourself happy. Make yourself better. Choose who can and cannot be in your life. You are worth it! Starting at any point of your journey can get you anywhere :)


Love,

Kate







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