Skip to main content

January 14th, 2019


Rough, and raw emotions filled through my head. Things that I put aside because I tried to brush off all my of my feelings to seem happy and I wasn't. January 14th was the day where I felt so sad and alone, where even the main title of this blog didn't make me feel anything. For a while, I was struggling but to be content. But for some reason, I could not be even then. Everything was going wrong: school, my social life, and I could not stop questioning myself.  I was making myself believe that I wasn't worth anything, I was struggling to find myself. I started to push myself away from people, I didn't want to go out,  and I didn't want to respond to anything. I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping because I was over analyzing everything.

These questions filled my head: Why was I not okay? Why was everything going wrong? Why was I continuously thinking that no one cared? Why was I so sad? Why didn't I look the same way I did in high school? Why was nobody interested in me? Why was I always second guessing myself?

All of these questions were eating me up inside, and I realized that I WAS NOT okay.

The following will look into how I tried to change my outlook on life and the feelings that hindered my soul. I'm not saying I'm perfect; that I have been magically cured and I'm happy all the time, but I am growing, evolving and self medicating through a change of heart. 

So my first step: I decided at around 11:00pm on January 14th to write down all my feelings.

All I can say is when I wrote them I was visibly in a bad place.  I was blaming myself and others for how I was feeling.

For about a solid week and a half, I continued to write about my day. The good, the bad, and even the ugly.

I saw a drastic change in myself. I was no longer holding things in and saying that I was fine; I was finally saying that I'm not perfect, but I was content with that.

Second step: I tried to pin point everything in my life that wasn't making me happy. This was hard very hard I wanted to find the root of my pain. One of the problems was that Ive always believed that I had to please everyone around me, I wanted people to like me and I wanted to make others happy.

Third step: I tried to find solutions to those problems and that solution was to stop worrying and start living.

I started to to do small things first! Every morning I wake up and look at motivational quotes. One of the best one's I found looks went like this, “Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, for life. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in right now.” -Unknown". From this quote, I was told to stop waiting around to make myself happy. I needed to choose to be happy. I started eating better. I stopped making small problems get to me. I confronted my problems instead of brushing them off. I started calling my friends (my close friends) and telling them how I felt. I started getting closer to my family. I started going out and living my life without judgement.


So my advice: Love yourself first. Stop putting blame on yourself. Don't compare yourself to anyone to make yourself happy. Make yourself better. Choose who can and cannot be in your life. You are worth it! Starting at any point of your journey can get you anywhere :)


Love,

Kate







Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If You Knew This About Me, You Might See Me Differently

January 10, 2019: "I woke up on January 1, 2019 in a pool of vomit containing bits of greens, fried chicken, and Sauvignon Blanc. I’m done feeling badly for myself. So what’s up? Let’s talk. I began to realize that I was profoundly alone. Don’t get me wrong, I was not alone in the sense that I didn’t have anyone I can turn to. I have a very loving family, one who’s always there for me and particularly supportive sister who I can call with any trouble or stress I have and know that I’ll get some type of immediate validation. The type of aloneness said I was feeling stems from my own unhappiness, and the realization that I’d never in my budding adult life been content with being by myself. I was always with someone in someway doing something that made me feel more fulfilled than I would have if I were by myself . I’ve been meaning to write a book on a myriad of topics ranging from but not limited to the black experience in excess of the white neighborhoods, childhood, and more. I w...
1 comment
Read more

On Being A Solo Act: Your Goals, Your Happiness

I've always been an overachiever. Since birth, I've taken what I wanted. More often than not, with hard work, I've found myself face to face with success. I enjoyed the journey. I am not saying this to gloat. I want to offer you some context as to why I feel so incredibly useless and defeated recently. I walked at my graduation on May 30th, 2019 in recognition of both of my degrees. I formally graduated with my bachelor's degree six months ago. Today I am completing my last course for my Master's degree. You want to know what's fucked up? I am 21 years old,  I can officially say that in four years, I was able to get both a Bachelor's degree and a Master's degree, all while juggling the bullshit I've discussed at length on the blog. And that's INCREDIBLE. But, I don't see my situation as such most of the time. I see an absence of goals. As if all I am is the product of my schooling, I'm wondering what's next, all while being dep...
1 comment
Read more

HATE

Hate.  I have struggled often with the word in the last decade or so of my life: I remember being 11 years old and encountering hate in my heart for the first time. Even then, I did not like it. I saw it as a consuming, angry passion that drove you to say and do things that you might mean, but ultimately probably should not have acted upon. I still see hate that way. As an Urban Studies major in college, I recognized hate as the impetus or underlying foundation for many of the upsetting social issues I studied and would never, ever like to understand. I adamantly stand against any forms of hate and bigotry which seek to hurt people as a means of attempting to lessen another's position in the world. Hate is divisive and destructive in more ways than one. There are many forms of hate, as there are love. I think about people who have been hurt by others in the vilest of ways -- mothers and fathers whose children were taken by negligent individuals, women and men who were taken...
Post a Comment
Read more