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Grief and All of the Feelings that Follow

In life, I have come to realize that there are no answers or certainty involved in 90% of the interactions we have. 

We wake up and we have ABSOLUTELY no idea what to expect. We can pray, we can hope, we can plan, we can dream for whatever it is we want, but in actuality we have blindfolds on, and we have no idea what is around the bend. We can of course use our histories and our pasts to make informed decisions on what to do or not do, or on how to proceed next, but those too are nothing more than educated guesses.

Recently, after a two year long relationship and a subsequent engagement, I found myself single. My partner and I loved and fought, hard. In the dissolution of everything, so many feelings of inadequacy, disbelief, resentment and heartache took hold of me. They still do. I have mood swings which take me from content to depressed in a matter of minutes. It is hard to make sense of much of what I am feeling right now, much to my own chagrin.

Last night, I opened my computer before I went to bed. I had no idea what I would find on the internet, but I just wanted to find some article or link that would make me feel better, something that would make the feeling in the pit of my stomach vanish. I went to TED Talks, as I commonly do when looking for an answer to some problem. I believe I typed 'relationships' into the search engine. I could not choose from the myriad of options that came up, as the ALL seemed pertinent to my life. But the feeling that I identified with most in that moment was grief. When I found a video entitled "The Journey Through Loss and Grief", I clicked on it skeptically. I was sure I was reaching into territory which felt uncomfortable to confront, but I forced myself to listen patiently nonetheless.

What I found was a gem. Picture this: a dying wife (the late author Amy Krouse Rosenthal) writes a public article on her grieving husband, Jason, of 26 years. The article, published 10 days before her death, gives him express permission to love again and to be happy. She creates, through her compassionate words, what she calls "a dating profile" for him, describing all of his best traits, from his quirks to his looks. And in response, the husband too writes an article and does a TED Talk on guiding yourself through the realization that your time with someone or something is over. Jason's TED Talk describes how he coped through the pain and how he still does. But he says he has found joy again, in small and big things and in SO many people.

I will let you read their exchange for yourself. However, I should note that Jason's talk and the story of their love had a profound impact on me. I cried for the first time in days over two people I had never and will never meet. I said to myself, "WOW, the human body is amazing... how much grief and suffering can one person take"? I immediately felt guilty for being sad about losing my partner to a break-up, when he had lost his wife, a seemingly AMAZING woman and life partner, to a vicious disease and still had the strength and courage to coach other people on how to move on. Conceptualizing his position seemed dubious and impossible to say the least. I know that I do not have to feel guilty for feeling sad about an ended relationship, but I do have a little bit more perspective on the subject.

First and foremost, I want a love like that of Jason and Amy, a love so clearly true and authentic, it makes you want to scorn God for ending it. I am claiming today that I deserve that, my sister deserves that, my girlfriends deserves that, my ex-partner (all of them, really) deserves that... Everyone does. Additionally, I want to trust God to lead me to that place. I have struggled a lot in the recent years with this idea of "faith" and in trusting an entity I can't see. But so many unexplained blessings happen for me not to believe in something larger than myself. So until I see otherwise, I believe in God.

I also see now that I am not unique. 50% of all of the marriages in the US fail, ending in divorce. Another statistic suggests that generationally, the stability of relationships decline. The point is that relationships end every day of the year, and some of those people, marry again and again. Many are okay. Many become more than okay, and thrive!

I am okay.

I feel sad often, but I have been given a blank slate, as Jason offers in his TED Talk. What comes next is ENTIRELY up to me. That's both scary and liberating. I am in control. Although I have NO idea what happens next, I am excited for all the joy that could be.

For now, I intend to be thankful for the small things. I am at home in Seattle, WA. Seattle, known as Grey's Anatomy's backdrop and for its incessant rain can be a drizzly, miserable state, if you see it as such. Would you believe it if I told you in the last few days, it has not rained once. In the middle of winter, it is beautiful, not a grey cloud in sight. Only beautiful mountains, sunshine,trees, and the Sound are visible from my walks at Chambers Golf Course. And I am finding a little bit of joy in it. I don't want to go crazy and suggest all of my pain has been alleviated, because that is simply not true. Nor will it be any time soon. But I do feel a little better.

When I ask myself how I will move on after waking up next to the same person for two years, I ask myself, "Well, how would you do it if it had been 3, 4, 5 or 6 years with him by your side?" I never know the answer to that question, but I do know others have done it and do it all of the time. I remind myself that I am stronger than I know. I focus only on the day in front of me, reaching only into the future when I absolutely have to: applying for jobs, putting money in my retirement accounts, etc. I tell myself that there is no shame in walking away from a relationship, only in not taking accountability in what mistakes I have made. I remind myself something my younger sister, who has miles more wisdom than I, told me at the start of my journey through this grief. She made me repeat this phrase: "I am imperfect. I do not have to apologize for making mistakes. Nobody is perfect". GOLD.

If you are also going through something, I want to hear about it. Kate has been an incredible source of inspiration through this to me, reminding me of my worth time and time again, and I want to do the same for you. I am not doing great right now, but I am working on getting there. Find the links to the articles Amy and Jason wrote below.

Cheers,
Constance 
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Location: Seattle, WA, USA

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